“English Major? What are You Gonna Do with That?”

Holidays can be wonderful. Lights and fireplaces and Cinnamon-Infused Everything. They can also be quite uncomfortable and may require a large helping of self-soothing. 

So, from my holiday heart to yours, please accept these self-compassionate, pre-scripted answers to well-meaning questions. You get to choose your level of vulnerability. You get to choose your boundaries. 

Darling, bring on the holidays. 

1.  Any new boyfriend/girlfriend we should know about?

Say to self: “It’s okay that you don’t have a partner. You are loved by many. Take a deep breath. Lift your head. You, my dear, are fabulous on your own.”

Say out loud:  “No.”  (*Please note there are no shame-filled responses to be found here.)

2.  So, when are you having a couple of kids like (insert name of sibling or friend)?

Say to self: “You are just fine. Take a deep breath. Lift your head. You, my darling, are lovely as you are-- with or without children.”

Say out loud: “Kids? Hmm, not now.”

3.  How’d your job search go?

Say to self: “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about this. It’s okay if you feel angry or sad. Remember to breathe. Lift that head. You, my dear, are on your journey. 

Say out loud: “Went well (or was difficult or whatever word fits for you), thank you for asking.” 

4.  Job Part II:  So, what are you really passionate about?

Say to self: “You can take a deep, slow breath. Maybe one or two more. You, my darling, are finding your way-- passionately.”

Say out loud:  “So many things.” 

5.  English major?  What are you gonna you do with that?

Say to self: “It’s okay that you did/are doing what makes you happy. It’s okay to feel irritated right now. You, my dear, have all the words on your side.”

Say out loud:  “Anything and everything!”  (*It’s okay to smile when you say this.)

With love and cinnamon,

Jenny

On Being Alone Today

This week feels loud in many ways. 

So loud that when it’s quiet-- maybe late at night or in the early hours-- there's a smaller, softer ache that you've been noticing and telling me about. 

You remind me that between the calls to be among people and find your community there is a quiet sense of loneliness. Maybe the feeling has always been there. For others, feeling lonely weighs heavier right now.

It’s possible that when things feel unsettled we look up from our phones and our screens and our lists. 

We wonder who will be there for us in the late hours.

And most of all, we wonder who knows us. Really knows us.

Here are some ideas about how to sit with the feeling of being alone—and then move toward connection if you'd like.

Pick your favorite mug. Pour your favorite tea. Invite a friend to join you if you like.

Call that person you’ve been meaning to call.

Ask someone you trust to be there for you. (It’s okay to ask for what you need.)

Wear your softest socks today.

Make eye contact with a stranger in place of your phone.

Take five deep breaths. Exhale slowly, each time. 

(Go ahead. Try it here.)

Hang a picture of someone you love. It’s been a while since you saw her face.

Check your Facebook or Instagram or Twitter with intention. Gently remind yourself of your limits.  

Unplug as needed. 

Call someone and ask her to take a walk with you.

Play a favorite song.

Eat warm food.  

Stretch. Like a cat.  

How will you make room for both loneliness and connection? I’d love to hear from you.  

Warmly,

Jenny 

Why Self-Compassion is Not Self-Indulgence

 “I’m so much nicer to everyone but myself.” 

 “I would never be so harsh with someone I loved.”

“I would never be this mean to a friend.” 

I hear these words from clients, friends and strangers. It's hard to be gentle with ourselves. But why?  

Self-compassion may feel strange or self-indulgent. We believe that if we don't yell at ourselves, things won’t get done right. There will be deadlines missed. Tasks half-finished.  

We believe we won't be enough.  

So let's look at the research. Dr. Kristin Neff is a leading expert on self-compassion and self-esteem. She explains that when we sharply criticize ourselves, we fire up our “fight or flight” system—the system that tells us we are under threat. 

Our bodies frantically pump more adrenaline and cortisol. Anxiety shoots up, and over time, so do feelings of sadness.  

We attack ourselves at our most vulnerable. Criticizing ourselves backfires.    

The good news is that self-compassion works differently. Neff's research indicates that compassionate self-talk actually reduces cortisol levels. Our bodies pump something much more soothing—the "hug hormone" known as oxytocin. 

Self-compassion allows us to think more clearly, connect more easily with others and produce our best work.  

***

You can take a self-compassion break. This very moment, with me. 

Exercises courtesy of Dr. Kristin Neff at self-compassion.org

First, think of a situation in your life that is difficult or painful. Feel where the stress is heavy in your body. Notice how you’re breathing. 

Say to yourself: This hurts. Right now, this hurts. 

Put your hands over your heart. Close your eyes. Listen to your breathing again.  This is mindfulness. 

Say to yourself: May I be kind to myself.  

May I give myself the compassion that I need in this moment. 

May I forgive myself.

You can practice anytime, anywhere.  

Wishing you moments of self-compassion and warmth,

Jenny